Have you ever had one of those months that suddenly isn't there anymore? That's how April was for me. I was appalled when I realized that it had been weeks since my last post - even though I have so many awesome things to share. Not to mention I totally let myself down on my pledge to post 3 times per week. It seems as though time eludes me in a sneaky, selfish way.

April showers were ridiculously understated in Northwestern Pennsylvania. We endured days of rain. Light rain, hard rain, sleet, rising rivers and creeks, above normal output from the Kinzua Dam..you get the picture. We are fortunate that there was no catastrophic flooding or damage, and we pray for those who lost loved ones and livelihoods in the Midwest.

Alas, the sun has appeared and it looks as though Spring may be on the horizon. I have been blessed with many great experiences this season. I have reconnected with several old friends, and made new friends in the process. I have participated in some fund-raising that was extremely successful for local organizations. I have started to narrow down my life, started to take stock and inventory not only of my stuff, but of who I am and what I want. This last step is much easier said than done.

For example, how do you know what you want to do for the remainder of your life? Obviously I didn't know before, so how can I possibly have a clue now? I juggle grand ideas back and forth in my fickle mind - what I perceive as a fabulous idea usually is not what my husband (affectionately called 'The Voice of Reason' by several of my friends) has in mind as a blockbuster plan.

So I struggle and become frustrated. I cry. I think of every opportunity under the sun that I believe I could morph into a successful business. I frequently scope out storefronts, inventory options, and run through floor settings in my head. I plan window displays. I Google the shit out of anything that crosses my mind.

Other days I am glad I have my day gig, because it enables me to travel and spend money on stupid things that I don't really need; it allows me to usually give into our teenage daughter when she "NEEDS" just one more thing. I don't work at night. I don't work weekends. I have paid vacation.

But I feel creatively stifled and envious of others who have just gone balls out and went for it. I am annoyed that I sit at my desk during the good daylight hours, when I could be creating something fabulous that the world most certainly needs.

My sister once said to me - "I know you can do awesome things, but I have never actually seen a finished project." She's right. I'm a freaking mess with piles of great ideas eating away at my creative soul. I can't finish anything - simply because I start, get called away for something 'important' (Mom! The cat puked..Ang! There are no socks in my drawer..) and the distractions will snowball from that point. And then there are the everydays - dinner, laundry, ball practice; the list is endless and there is no one, and I mean no one (insert sarcasm there) that can do the skilled family labor that I do.

The flower beds I dug up a few weeks ago have now re-seeded themselves and started to grow again. The studio room I waited years for has sat empty for a month. I look at a living room curtain that has a water stain from a leaky roof during a thaw this winter. I just can't seem to get the gumption to take the damn thing down and wash it.

Where is my new Spring beginning? You know, the one where the sky opens up and everything seems so clear and obvious?

Perhaps it got washed away in the Pennsylvania rain.